In Search of Stink

So here I am again. 9 am on a Tuesday and I am roaming around my house with a singular purpose. I’m searching for “it”. You know. Whatever is causing that SMELL.  The one you smelled faintly at 11 pm last night but were too tired investigate fully. A profoundly unwise decision because it has blossomed from aroma infancy to full blown stench overnight and will now be in your nostrils ALL DAY.

Is it adolescent athletic shoes that have seen better days? Did the dog barf surreptitiously in a corner? Is there a lunch hiding somewhere melting into primordial goo?

Only the fruit flies know for sure.

Sometimes I feel like my superpower must be olfactory in nature because I seem to be the only two legger in my dwelling to notice that something has gone terribly wrong SOMEWHERE.

The Search and Discover procedure is pretty much the same across incidents.

Step 1 – Walk around house. Nose in air, sniffing like a cocaine addict on a three day bender.

Step 2  – Continue to shuffle and sniff, muttering darkly under breath about kids. Be sure to sprinkle the grouching with regular profanity of varying types.

Step 3 – Escalate search to “Looking Under Things” level. Complain loudly about knees as you crouch down to peer under the sofa.

Step 4 – Give up briefly. Eye the liquor cabinet. Consider whether two or three fingers of scotch would do the trick or if drinking straight from the bottle is a better option.

Step 5 – Light a pine scented candle.

Step 6 – Drop head in hands as the realization hits that your house now smells like a pine tree barfed in the corner while wearing stinky soccer cleats.

Step 7 – Stop simply eyeing the liquor cabinet and hit that bitch.

Step 8 – Sigh deeply. Reevaluate all your life choices that have lead you to this point.

Step 9 – Tell yourself firmly that the stink is not going to find itself. Haul defeated bulk off couch to go look  One. Last. Time.

Step 10 – Success! Sweet success! Haul offending object out of its hidey hole. Howl at moon. Wash hands and finish off that scotch.