Ah September. The mornings are crisper. The days are shorter and the geese are gathering, reminding me the time has come to spend a million dollars getting my kids prepared for school.

I have mixed feelings about back to school. I will welcome a quieter, tidier house. I will relish a fridge that is not decimated by ravenous hordes every ten minutes. The bathroom wall will have less pee on it. I will enjoy not having to be the entertainment director whose ideas are always poo-pooed as being “totally lame, mom”. I will giddily eat the good snacks without having to either hide in a closet or share them.

However, even thinking about the annual school supply shopping trip gives me a migraine. I’ve considered putting a chilled vodka tonic in my S’well bottle just so I can get through it. I can’t wait till a kid can drive so I can make alcohol fueled trips to Staples. I know moms who agree that making a drinking game out of this chore would make life much more bearable. A shot for each item correctly crossed off the list. Two shots for each item you can’t find. Three shots for an incorrect item. Bam. Hammered by item five! I have visions of slightly tipsy parents falling out of a chauffeur driven limo going from one big box store to another. I feel I could make some good money from guided school supply booze cruises. DON’T ANYONE STEAL MY IDEA.

Someone is ready for School.

Four kids. Four ridiculously long, incredibly detailed school supply lists. With extra bonus items because we are French immersion! Yay! My favourite is the colored duotangs. There is always one colour specified on the list that I can never find, leading to a howling child the night before school. “OMG Mom – the list says CHARTREUSE duotangs. THESE ARE LIGHT GREEN. I can’t EVEN mom!” I know some of you are feeling my pain.

Once I have emptied my retirement fund paying for sparkly gel pens, washi tape, pencil boxes, backpacks and binders, I then have to fund the school clothes shopping junket. Because naturally everyone has grown 6 inches over the summer and everyone’s pants are way beyond flood level. I tried convincing them that mid calf is the new black, but no one is buying what I’m selling. I can still get away with getting Walmart stuff for the younger two, but the older ones are all about brands. And not the cheap ones. Obviously.

Then I will need to dip into whatever fund I have left to dip into – likely Peter or Paul’s, to buy a van load of lunch supplies so this year’s teachers will think I am a good mom for at least one week. Which is all the time the lunch supplies I buy will last before I am back to putting pickled jalepenos circa 1983 in their lunch. First impressions matter, people!

I have a high schooler this year, so I plan to be panicked for the entire month of September hoping things go well. My kids smell this anxiety like a pack of wild dogs and will use it to upgrade whatever outfits or item they feel will make them fit in, or stand out the most, knowing that it will help assuage my angst.

Once the flurry of buying, organizing, packing and apprehension is done, and they are off to school, I will be left with no money, a sizeable credit card balance and a quiet house. And despite the peace, I will realize I do miss them. For at least ten minutes. Then I will get out my supply of premium snacks and eat like a queen.